Never Had a Chance: Pumpkin Fudge

Do you ever have those moments, where you revert back to Middle School?  You know, those moments... where even if you tried REALLY, really hard... you couldn't be less cool? 

In the seventh grade, I had a crush on this boy; his name was Brian.  (Interesting side note: over the course of six years in Middle School and High School, I probably had a crush on half a dozen different boys named Brian. It was my thing.)

Brian was dreamy in that scrawny, clean-cut, seventh-grade-jock-boy, kind of way.  Now rest assured, it was a rare day when someone would have used the word "dreamy" to describe me.  Instead, I was relatively invisible and a bit awkward in that "I know I'm too old to play with Cabbage Patch dolls, but I'd still really like one for Christmas" kind of way.  So when I felt a bit of "cool" coming on... I tried to go with it.  And by cool, I mean, I snuck makeup and a can of hairspray into the girls bathroom and went nutty.

One dreary day (and really, what day isn't dreary when you're in Middle School), I was riding high on my Aqua Net fumes as I descended the stairs to hell... I mean shop class... and encountered Brian coming up the SAME SET OF STAIRS.  I mean, it was like, fate.  And to this day, I can't tell you how I mustered the courage... but throwing caution into the wind... with much abandon and flair, I boldly said (out loud and everything), "Hey."

And then proceeded to fall down the stairs.  Hitting each one with a memorable bounce and an internal proclamation, to NEVER. RETURN. TO. SCHOOL. AGAIN.  Thank the Good Lord, my hair was there to cushion my fall.

Anyway... I had one of those moments the other day... only "Brian" was replaced with two strapping European men, a whole store full of women shopping a purse sale (so they sort of get a "pass" on this one), numerous clerks, and an ENTIRE movie theater full of people... nay, ADULTS... that could have told me that after shopping the clearance racks and trying on clothes at Macy's... I had put my shirt back on... very obviously... inside-out.

Seriously?  No one could mention it in passing?  Whisper a little something in my ear? Gesture wildly at their own non-existent tags?  Laugh, point, make a spectacle?  Anything!?

The worst though, was the guy who sold me my movie ticket that night... the same guy who wore a name tag which proudly read, "My favorite movie is Star Wars," and has probably seen the inside of Comic Con, one too many times... he had the audacity to give me Sad Face while he asked, "All alone tonight?  Just the one ticket?"  At the time, I thought..."Man, sucks to be single in the world."  But about half way through the movie, when I reached back and felt the oversized tags of my shirt, flappin' in the wind... I realize Comic Con Man was probably thinking, "Poor thing.  Never had a chance."

Well, that's how I feel about this Pumpkin Fudge.  Poor thing... never had a chance.

What you'll need:

2 3/4 Cups sugar
3/4 Cup melted salted butter
2/3 Cup evaporated milk
½ Cup pumpkin puree
2 Tablespoons light corn syrup
1 Teaspoon pumpkin pie spice
One (12 oz.) package white chocolate chips
One (7 oz.) jar marshmallow creme
1 Cup chopped walnuts, toasted (optional)
1 Teaspoon vanilla extract

Line a 9-inch square pan with aluminum foil. Spray with nonstick spray. 

Stir together first 6 ingredients in a saucepan over medium-high heat, cooking and stirring constantly, until a candy thermometer registers 234° (soft ball stage) or for about 12 minutes.  This is pretty important: I have somehow misplaced the candy thermometer I bought a few years ago... so it didn't set up quite right, as evident by the photo below.  But if you don't mind eating your fudge with a spoon...

Once the mixture reaches 234°, remove from heat and quickly stir in the white chocolate, marshmallow creme (my love affair with marshmallow cream, has no end), nuts and vanilla until well blended.

Pour into the prepared pan. Let stand 2 hours or until completely cool; cut fudge into squares.  Or simply pull up to the pan with your spoon. 

It's makes an odd first impression... sweet.  I mean sweet, in a way that turns your clothes inside out and makes your insides feel awkward.  But apparently, that's how I roll...

Not A Low-fat Food: White Chocolate Pumpkin Cups

One Lent, maybe a year or two ago, I decided to "give up" sugar.

When Protestants give something up for Lent, it always sort of feels like Paris Hilton, putting out a hip-hop cd, where she raps about the hardship of livin' her gangsta life. Or Donald Trump telling me he "understands." Or Sarah Palin running for President.  Or, for that matter, Donald Trump running for President.  (Um, Canada? You got room for one more?)

In other words... a tiny bit disingenuous.

But I was living in an Anglican world at the time, and it felt like the thing to do.

So I gave up sugar. For six weeks. Minus Feast Days. And not a day more.

During my time in this sugar free world, like any good addict, I found myself needing a fix... and thus, I was drawn to Sugar Free Candy.

The interesting thing about sugar free products, is that they are almost always prominently labeled with a statement that reads, "Not a Low-Fat Food." I found this curious.  I'm generally not a package reader beyond a quick glance to see how many ingredients are listed. I know what's good for me... and if I know something is not, I prefer to live in ignorance.  But this bold statement had me stcratchin' my noggin, and I decided to investigate.

I mean, is the package bragging?  Confessing?  Trying to stir up controversy? Wanting it's own reality t.v. show?  Who knew?

Except... it was none of those things. 

This sugar free candy... a presumably healthy option, if only by virtue of being made with one less ingredient that 60% of all American's are addicted too... is holy-smokes-I-went-up-a-pant-size-full-of-fat!!!

We're not talking a gram or two of "fat differential" here... more like 10-20 GRAMS!

Apparently, when you take the sweet goodness of white sugar and corn syrup out of something... you must plump it up (What? No pun intended.) with fat so that it will satiate in a similar sugar-induced-coma sort of way.

So, needless to say, by Easter Sunday I was ready to celebrate our Risen Lord and Saviour with chocolate bunnies and handfuls of jelly beans.  If only so I could button my blouses again.

So here's a little something to get you through the long Lenten days... and I promise, it's totally packed with fat and sugar.

What you'll need:

White chocolate chips or bark (I use Ghirardelli)
Mini (2 inch) foil muffin liners
2 Oz. cream cheese, at room temperature
1/4 Cup pumpkin puree
1 Teaspoon cinnamon
1 Teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1/4 Cup powdered sugar
1 Cup finely ground graham cracker crumbs (a food processor works best here)

Recipe adapted from What Megan's Making.

Line a small muffin tin with 12 mini muffin paper liners. Throw this in the freezer.

Melt the chocolate in increments in the microwave. Make sure not to overheat.  White chocolate can scorch pretty quickly, if not watched.

Pull out your cooled muffin tin, and using a small spoon, paint the melted chocolate all over the insides of your mini foil muffin liners.  Allow chocolate cups to harden completely by placing muffin tin back in the fridge or freezer while you do the next bit.

In a medium bowl, combine the cream cheese, puree, spices, and vanilla and mix until smooth. Mix in the powdered sugar until smooth, then stir in the graham cracker crumbs. Spoon the pumpkin mixture into your hardened chocolate cups and smooth the top to create an even surface.  There's a lot of smoothness going on here.

Re-melt the remaining chocolate if needed and top off your filled cups, smoothing the tops and making sure the chocolate reaches all the way to the edges in order to seal the goodness in. Chill in the fridge until set, about 1-2 hours.

(Not recommended for dogs.  Though they might try to convince you otherwise).

Totally genuine.  And not lookin' for it's own reality t.v. show.  Which means, it might be the only thing in the world, not looking for a reality show.

In Training: Nutmeg Pumpkin Cookies

Somehow, I committed myself to a 5k on Thanksgiving morning.  And agreed to be the team leader.  And turned a nice little three person walk... with my Aunt, my Mother, and myself... into a family affair, involving husbands, Fathers, distant cousins, the local deli manager, and a Catholic priest.  I've begged my Pulmonologist to walk with me... "it's for the kids," I told her.... but I'm pretty sure she sees right through me, and must know that I fear for my well-being.  Seriously fear.

It sounded like a GREAT idea... in early September.  When it was warm outside and I couldn't help but think... "oh dude!  I've got like, two months to train."  Which is a funny sentence in and of itself.  Saying dude.  And "train" as it pertains to exercise.

Then early October hit... and I'm thinking... "dadgum.  I really should get to the gym sometime."  And I casually email my cohorts to let them know about an old war injury that's flaring up... so chances are good, I'm gonna need to jog, rather than run, this 5k.  (As if I do 5k's every weekend... and this one, is juuuust slipping away from me.)

Then early November rolls around... and I'm thinking... "dadgum.  I really should get to the gym sometime."  Yet I managed to convince myself that if I "work out everyday, from here on out... everything'll be fiiiiiine."  I mentioned in a carefully worded email, that walking briskly might be more up my alley, but that I'm holding out hope.  And sent the carefully worded email to seven people, who then forward it to seven people, who then forward it to seven people... and before I knew it, I was getting letters of encouragement from folks in Haiti and President Obama paused for a moment in the middle of his meeting with the Japanese Prime Minister, just to say good luck.  It was touching.

And so today, November 21st, after I've worked out a total of two times, I've decided drop the charade and begin a prayer campaign called Operation Coldnflurry.  And take pictures (as proof) on my phone, of an ice pack propped on my knee, sending it on to the familial participants, with a sheepish note that says something to the effect, "Cn't wlk. No 5k 4 T." (Because apparently vowels are too hard to type.)

The ice pack may or may not, have been a ruse.

So to kill the time that I'm NOT using to train for my first 5k... I made Pumpkin Nutmeg White Chocolate Chip Cookies.

What you'll need:
1 Cup butter, softened
1 Cup packed brown sugar
1 Teaspoon ground nutmeg
1 Teaspoon baking soda
1 Cup pumpkin puree
1 Egg
2 Teaspoons vanilla
2 Cups all-purpose flour
2 Cups white chocolate chips
1 Cup chopped pecans

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Beat your butter until it's nice and fluffy.  Add brown sugar, nutmeg, and baking soda. Beat until combined, scraping bowl occasionally. Beat in pumpkin, egg, and vanilla until combined. Beat in as much of the flour as you can with the mixer. Using a wooden spoon, stir in any remaining flour. Chances are good, that if you're using the homemade puree, you will not need to stop and fold in the remaining flour as the water content of the homemade puree is a bit higher.) Stir in white chocolate and pecan pieces.

Place about two inches apart on baking sheet and bake between 10-13 minutes, or until the edges turn golden and the middles no longer look gooey.  Cool them on the baking sheet for about 2 minutes, before having them cool completely on a plate or rack.

Don't be fooled by the fact that these are from Better Homes and Gardens (which in general, is a little on the bland, overly sweet, "every-child's food" end of things).  These are great! Each one, is like eating a slice of cake!  Delightful... not to mention, helpful, when you're trying to "train."

Now, I'd better go lick some elementary school drinking fountains.  See if I can't catch a very unfortunate cold by Thursday.