Dry Bones: Blueberry Pie Filling

I'm serving a church right now, that's about to suck me dry.  I mean really, bone chillingly, joint achingly, dry.

There's a saying, that travels around pretty frequently with us church-y types, that laughingly says: "The church would be perfect, if it weren't for the people."

Up until these past few months... such a statement always made me sort-a sad, in that "what a shame that some poor soul came up with that sentence, no doubt, as a result of their circumstances" sort of way.  But now I get it.

The people...
...are tiresome.
...and angry.
...and hateful.
...and passive aggressive.
...and manipulative.
...and sick.
...and needy.
...and whiny.
...and they don't wear white until after Memorial Day.  (Which means, by the way, that I was not to be trusted for the first two months...me...with my white pants and all, on *gasp* May 3rd.)

And I drag my dry bones home...waiting for the next ball to drop...knowing that THIS is why clergy have a disproportionately high percentage of heart attacks. 

Then I sink into my lounge chair, eating several servings of ice cream...okay, so maybe THIS is why clergy have a disproportionately high percentage of heart attacks...to satiate my aching soul and I wonder why I can go months without serving the church -- longing, gut wrenching months -- but when I get the chance, when I get the call...

...it hurts.

And then I remind myself that...

the people...
...are human.

And these humans, especially in this particular church... have the decked stacked against them.

Yet despite that stacked deck and their distaste for white capris even when the thermometer reads 91*...God's Spirit emerges...albeit, sometimes, begrudgingly or hesitantly or slowly... and you find...

Though some are tiresome... there are those who will lift them up.
Though some are angry... there are those with a good word.
Though some are hateful... there are those who offer forgiveness.
Though some are passive aggressive... there are those who will call them on it.
Though some are manipulative... there are those who are not.
Though some are sick... there are those who will visit them.
Though some are needy... there are those who will provide.
Though some are whiny... there are those who will sing.

And I suppose, if I were to be honest, it would be just as appropriate to say, "the church would be perfect, if it weren't for the clergy."

...who is so very human.  Bones and all.

I trust this moment of humanness will pass for this church... and it will not be so hard, so lonesome, so aching.  But I also trust that the humanness will remain for this church... and a world will be reminded that even dry bones can dance.

And when that day comes, I will need something besides all that ice cream I'm eating... so, I made Blueberry Pie Filling.

What you'll need:

10 Cups blueberries, washed
½ Cup water
1 ½ Cups sugar
6 Tablespoons cornstarch
5 Tablespoons bottled lemon juice
2 Quart sized canning jars

Wash the blueberries and set aside. Sterilize 2, one quart jars along with the lids in boiling water or in a dishwasher run without soap.

In a large stockpot bring the water, sugar, corn starch and lemon juice to a boil.  Pour in the blueberries and bring the mixture back to a boil, stirring continuously for about 5 minutes while the berries release their juices and the mixture thickens, becoming blue and glossy.

Set a funnel over a quart jar and ladle in the blueberry mixture, leaving a 1″ headspace. Repeat with second quart jar. Place the sterilized lids on the jar and seal them with the rims, only tightening the ring as much as you can with two fingers.

Place the jars in a pot of boiling water standing upright. Make sure the water covers the tops of the jars. Boil for 30 minutes, starting the timer when the water has returned to a boil.

Remove jars and place in a cool, dry place on a kitchen towel. Allow to cool overnight. Store jars for the long term in a cool, dry place until using.

******

I had fully planned to store and save this pie filling...for that rainy day or for when bones were once again alive...but unfortunately, the lids didn't seal and the jars overflowed.  So for now, they sit in my fridge...waiting.  Waiting for white pants and soothed souls...

Soothing: Pumpkin Frozen Yogurt

We're all adults here, right? I mean, if I whispered the acronym "OBGYN" in your ear, you wouldn't giggle and turn red in the face? You wouldn't snort coffee out of your nose and politely excuse yourself to "teh-hee" in private?

Well, if you can handle it, carry on. But seriously, if you absolutely can't read through those five letters without snickering... and trust me, I'd understand...you'll want to kindly turn to the next blog.

Because today, I had my wellness exam with my... well, you know.

Mind you, the last time I had the lovely experience of visiting my friendly acronym, it was 2007. So, I was a little overdue. And since I only shave my legs every five years or so, it seemed to coincide perfectly. (I think I've mentioned it before... but it bears repeating. Brett is a lucky, lucky dude.)

Which is where we run into troubles. Shaving my legs.

Apparently, I pulled out a razor that had been sitting in my drawer since 1983 and decided it was the best possible tool to tackle the job at hand.

Running low on body wash - aka. shaving cream for the lazy sorts - I decided to use my face wash. I know... that doesn't seem quite right... but when you buy your face wash from Sam's Club, and literally have a GALLON of it sitting under your sink... you feel as if you can use it freely and unabashedly.

I was all lathered up and getting ready to start the taming process...when my leg started to tingle a bit.

Ignore it, Trish. That just means "it's working." Huh? What? Yeah. Both "huh?" AND "what?" would have been good questions to ask at the time. Carry on...

The next series of events, went something like this: Leg one done.... peek out of the shower... see I have exactly 15 minutes to finish, get dressed and head out the door... frantically get second leg done... hop out of shower... admonish self for hopping... realize I have nothing more than a washcloth to dry off with... make note to curse husband and his towel stealing ways... grab for the bottt............................... YEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

So. You know the tracks that Tonka Trucks make in a sand box? Well, that's pretty much what the inside of my thighs look like... and the backs of my legs... and my bikini line.... and my underarms......

As it turns out, my face wash was 18% Salicylic Acid. Yep. Did. Not. Know. That. Coupled with a somewhat suspect razor, time constraints, and shall we say, tender skin.... well. It just didn't end well. Any attempt to impress by new doctor with my stunning good looks and impeccable grooming techniques... failed miserably.

And if you thought I couldn't make the tie between my OBGYN visit and fro-yo.... you were mistaken. Well, that.... and there's a chance that you don't know me at all.

Because we all need something soothing at the end of the day.... here's Pumpkin Frozen Yogurt. Which tastes like Pumpkin Cheesecake. Which can't be a bad thing when you decide to get gussied up for your OBGYN and end up instead, lighting the lower half of your body on fire. And which I hope you enjoy.

What you'll need for Pumpkin Frozen Yogurt:
4 Cups homemade yogurt
1 Cup pumpkin puree
1/3 Cup plus one teaspoon maple syrup
1/3 Cup plus one tablespoon brown sugar
1/2 Teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 Teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 Teaspoon ground nutmeg
1 Cup toasted pecans (I go heavy on the nuts. No comments, please.)

In case you wonder how to toast a pecan... heat the oven to 350 degrees. Spread chopped pecans over a foil lined baking sheet. Bake pecans for 3 minutes. Give 'em a stir. Bake for an additional 3 to 5 minutes, or until the pecans begin to give off a sweet scent. Really watch them though...they tend get excited and burn themselves. Allow to cool.

In a large mixing bowl, combine all the ingredients (minus the pecans) and mix well. Use a whisk to break up the lumps in the mixture that come because of the homemade texture of the yogurt. Pour the soupy mixture into a prepared ice cream maker and give it a whirl for 30-40 minutes. At the conclusion of the cycle, thrown in the toasted pecans and let it go for another spin or two. Freeze for at least 3-4 hours prior to serving.

The Famous: Depp vs. Thirdstory(ies)

So several years ago... when Pirates of the Caribbean wasn't an overworked, money making franchise, and simply one single, awesome movie... Brett and I and a whole gaggle of youth from the church we served, went to a red carpet event for the flick.  We hadn't actually intended to be at the red carpet... we really just wanted to go to Disney Land...but sometimes, Brett's incessant need to be as UNinformed as possible, has a few benefits.  Like showing up to meet Mickey Mouse, and instead, meeting Johnny Depp.  Yep.  You read that correctly.  I met Johnny Depp.

Other "stars" were there too... Danny Bonaduce, Teri Hatcher, Rachel Hunter, Jane Seymour, Lea Thompson, John Stamos... Brett's favorite, Kenny G... and the man who's inspired a thousand memes... David Hasselhoff.  And of course, Keira Knightly is just as beautiful in person as she is in movies.  Orlando Bloom is pretty beautiful too. 

But the clouds parted when Johnny came toward us and stopped, not even two steps from where we stood.   Quivering with excitement behind the burlap rope meant to separate the famous and the not famous, while holding my husbands hand, I jumped up and down, and yelled as loud as humanly possible, "Oh my gosh Johnny!!  I love you!  I love you so much!!"

Then I composed myself, gracefully readjusted my Mickey Mouse ears, and gave a little shout out to God for the husband who loves me...despite me.

And today... I'd like to share a similar sentiment about a friend... who's walking her own little red carpet as we speak: she has been nominated for a Homie.  A what?  Yeah.  A Homie (via Apartment Therapy).

I know.  It's overwhelming for her as well. 

Maybe not Johnny Depp overwhelming... but we can't all have that sultry, bad boy look that makes a gal swoon.

But I'd like to see her win.  Mainly for the big bucks she'll make.  Fifty big ones in the ol' pocket.  But also because sometimes you write and you write... and really, you write for yourself... but I don't know of a single person, who doesn't like to know that what they've written, has mattered (yes... that would be the preacher in me, talking).  So let her know that it's mattered.  That the hours in front of the computer, the countless photos that have been taken and uploaded, the rewrites and the spell checks, the heartfelt words... that they all mattered.  Or at the very least, made you smile or think or gave you an idea....

You can vote for her blog here or here, after checking it out of course, here.

"Oh my gosh ThirdStory(ies)!!  I love you! I love you so much!!"

Seriously: Pumpkin Yogurt

For reals.  I made yogurt.  In my crockpot.  Like the pilgrims did.

It's sort of ridiculous... but I blame it on my Mother.  Like any good, grown woman, I still like to blame her for a number of things...

But Christmas shopping for my Mother, is like going to the dentist... the only way to get to the dentist though, is to trek barefoot through the Everglades, sidestepping alligators and predatory birds, and subsisting on nothing more than swamp water and mud.  And then once you finally make it to the dentist... despite all the anticipation and anxiety and remorse you feel for not flossing regularly... your dentist tells you that he was kidding and doesn't really have time for the procedure he scheduled you for......

Which is to say... it's tough. In fact, I'm still sort-a recovering from it, even one month later.

Thing is... she is not a woman of many wants... but she is a woman, who makes her own yogurt.

So THIS Christmas...well, let's just say, I thought I'd struck gold.  I was going to buy her an Automatic Yogurt Maker from Williams Sonoma.  I'll give you a moment to ooohhh and ahhhhh. (Photo credited to Williams Sonoma.)

I read every review, searched every crevice of the Internet, checked out the Consumer Reports, talked it over with my husband... and at the end of the day, decided that this yogurt maker would make a VERY nice gift. 

For me.

Because let's face it... any appliance that has only one, single use... is not for my Mother.  She got rid of her couch several years ago, and replaced it with a treadmill, 'cause the couch was "just sitting there." 

So... it sort of got me thinking about making my own yogurt.  I won't get into the specifics, but I've been quite ill, off and on, since before Thanksgiving, and for a bit, I was subsisting on Greek Yogurt and blueberries... and figured it can't be THAT hard to make, right?  Right!

What you'll need (for the yogurt portion of the recipe):

8 Cups milk (I used skim!, organic)
1/2 Cup yogurt (From the store... apparently, you only have to do this once, and from here on out, you can use your own "starter." I used Organic Yogurt, but you don't have to copy me for evvvverything.  Go ahead.  Be you're own person.  Use Yoplait, you crazy cat!)

Um. Yeah, that's it.  Put the milk in the crockpot and heat it on low for 2 1/2 hours.  Unplug the crockpot but leave the cover on, and let it sit for 3 hours.  When 3 hours have passed, scoop out 2 cups of the warmish milk and put it in a bowl. Whisk in 1/2 cup of store-bought live/active culture yogurt. Then dump it all back into the crockpot. Stir to combine.

Put the lid back on your crockpot. Keep it unplugged and wrap a heavy bath or beach towel all the way around the crockpot for insulation. Go to bed or let it sit for 8 hours.

This is my crockpot, ready for a day at the beach:

(Silly crockpot.  Doesn't know it's January.)

The next day, you can let it rest in a coffee filter to thicken up a bit (I didn't do this, as I seriously lack patience when it comes to food)... but that's it.

So.... I took it up a notch and as the purveyor of things pumpkin and decided to make pumpkin yogurt.

What you'll need (to make it pumpkin-y):

1/2 Cup pumpkin puree
1 Teaspoon sugar or maple syrup (optional...the maple granola makes up for the sugar need)
1 Teaspoon cinnamon
Dash of nutmeg and allspice
1/4 Cup granola
1 Cup homemade yogurt (like the pilgrims did)

Mix it all together...

So, that settles it.  Mom is getting pumpkin yogurt every Christmas, from here on out. 

Always good to plan ahead.

If Only It Had Been a Pumpkin

If only it had been a pumpkin that Frosty was picking....

Blessings to you all, during this final week of Advent!  May you know much grace and peace... and if you gotta pick your nose, pick a pumpkin! 

To Rue: Amish Friendship Bread

Ahhhhhh... Amish Friendship Bread.  The edible chain letter.

A few weeks ago, I thought, "Oh... you know what I haven't had in a while... like since 1997, kind-a while?  Friendship bread!"  And because I had that thought in my head, I was somehow obligated to share that ever-so-witty-and-thoughtful thought, on Facebook.

Then out of no where, up pops a friend who offers a starter.  Stupid Facebook.  I rue you.  RUE!!

*I should note... I rue my thought and I really rue Facebook... not said friend, who nicely offered a starter and even did the "mushing" while I was out of town.  Just in case she reads this blog...

Now I have three fermenting starters sitting on my counter and one in the fridge.... the one in the fridge isn't so bad... I open the fridge a dozen times a day, and each time, I hear a flat, lifeless, "Whad'up." 

Ohhhh... but the bags on the counter... (eyeroll).  They jabber non-stop:

"I feel bloated."

"I have a sour taste in my mouth."

"I could use some sugar."

"It's cold in here."
"Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?  Are we..."
"Do I look fat in this baggie?"
"I doughn't get it... could you at yeast explain it to me?"
"Mush it.  Mush it reeeeal good."

Yeah.  That last one has some serious issues.

So.  If you'd like an Amish Friendship Bread starter and you live... I don't know... within a three hundred mile radius of the KC metro area... they're yours! 

And then you can make Pumpkin Amish Friendship Bread.  Or would it be Amish Pumpkin Friendship Bread?  Or Amish Friendship Pumpkin Bread?  Anyway...

What you'll need:

1 Cup starter
3 Eggs
2/3 Cup vegetable oil
1/2 Cup milk
1 Teaspoon vanilla
1 1/2 Cups pumpkin puree

Pre-heat your oven to 325*.  Mix together the wet ingredients.  If only to make the yammering stop.  And just trust me on this one... that vegetable oil... that entire 2/3 of a cup... is about 1/2 cup LESS than what you'd normally be putting in, if you eliminated the pumpkin. So thank your lucky stars and move on.

Then you'll need:

2 Cups flour
1 Cup sugar
1 1/2 Teaspoon baking powder
1/2 Teaspoon baking soda
1 1/2-2 Teaspoons cinnamon
1/2 Teaspoon nutmeg
1/4 Teaspoon allspice
1 Cup chopped pecans (though you could certainly add cranberries, dates, etc. as well)

Add dry ingredients; just go ahead and pile them all in there, then stir.  Pour into two well greased and sugared bread pans or six mini loaf pans.  Bake for about a 1 hour and 15 minutes.  A toothpick should come out clean.

It's yummy!  And just like the olden days...

And then start the whole dang process over again in 9-10 days.

Rue, I tell ya...

A New Rhythm: Gooey Pumpkin Bars

Everything is happening a little too fast around here... I started listening to Christmas music a full two weeks prior to my self-imposed "start date," which has been a fast and furious rule around here, for as long as we've been married.  Thanksgiving came out of no-where.  Boxes of Christmas decorations have been pulled out of storage since last Thursday.  The tree... up since last Saturday.  I have a wreath hanging on my door.  A WREATH... before Thanksgiving day.  This is not cool.

But it's a necessity this year. 

It's probably not a surprise, but the Christian calendar provides a lot of stability in my life.  That long season of Pentecost... which always seems disproportionate with the actual length of the life of Jesus, comes to an an abrupt halt.  And we leap into Advent... breathing in the breadth of possibility and hope and new life in the midst of gray skies and dry, crunchy leaves.  I spend all year, longing for Advent... for the rhythm of waiting and sitting and anticipating and hoping for things not necessarily hoped for throughout the rest of the year.  I wait for the nesting and the baking and the smells of warmth and the glimpses of peace, in the midst of chaos.  Christmas lights make me weep and snow blanketing the ground, fills my spirit with much needed renewal.  I find warmth in the chill and comfort in the bustle.

But this year, it's all different.  We'll be gone for week two and three, of Advent... and I've lost my orientation, my rhythm.  I don't know how to "do" Advent and Christmas, without the week to week progression, the hearing of our biblical story, and the steady climb that we make, as church, to the birth of a newborn baby... the birth of hope.

So I'm satiating, with disproportionate amounts of butter and sugar.  And I made Paula Deen's Ooey-Gooey Pumpkin Bars.  Though they won't do a lot for renewing the spirit, they're quick and easy and they get the job done.  And I guess sometimes, that's all you can do.

What you'll need for the cake:

1 Yellow cake mix
1 Egg
8 Tablespoons butter, melted

What you'll need for the filling:

2 Cup pumpkin puree
1 8-Ounce package cream cheese, softened
3 Eggs
1 Teaspoon vanilla
8 Tablespoons butter, melted
3 Cups powdered sugar
1 Teaspoon cinnamon
1 Teaspoon nutmeg

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

To make the cake, combine all of the ingredients and mix well. Pat the mixture into a lightly greased 13x9-inch baking pan. And at this point you're thinking... well, this isn't SO bad (at least not for Paula Deen).  I mean, 8 Tablespoons of butter?  Yeah, that hurts a little bit... but it's not gonna kill me.  And then you make the filling...

In a large bowl, beat the cream cheese and pumpkin until smooth. Add the eggs, vanilla, and EIGHT MORE Tablespoons of butter... and beat together. Next, add the powdered sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg, and mix well.

Spread pumpkin mixture over cake batter and bake for 40 to 50 minutes. Make sure not to over bake as the center should be a little gooey.  Then serve it to your family... and have the car running in case anyone can't handle their butter.

It's okay...it won't bring about world peace or sooth the weary soul, but you can eat it, knowing that it's not the last dessert you'll ever know... and just enjoy it for what it is... a little over the top, a bit cheapened by the commercialized-out-of-a-box taste, different than what you'd normally make...but still beckoning the holidays.

Blessings to you all this Thanksgiving Eve... may you know a rhythm of peace and joy and hope... even if it's a little different this year...